Galaxyspoon reacts to creepypasta!
by Galaxyspoon
Summary: In which I, Galaxyspoon, give a commentary on some pastas that I find! Will contain some violence, language, sarcasm, references and mass quantities of snark!


**(A/N: Okay, so I've had this idea in my head ever since I've started reading creepypasta that "hey, maybe it'd be fun to do a snarky commentary on them?" Now, I'm mostly doing this for my own amusement, so don't expect me to update this often. Though I hope you'll enjoy this nonetheless!**

 **Note: The following creepypasta does not belong to me. My commentary will be distinguished by BOLD and being in parenthesis!**

 **Okay, so this creepypasta is a Mario Kart one called Driven. We start out with the generic pasta opener: "I used to luv (insert x childhood thing) and (play/watch/whatever) it..." not much to say about it.)**

"Nazi Zombies and Modern Warfare may have taken up most of my gaming time as I became part of the Xbox Live age, but Mario Kart 64 still held a place in my heart as my all-time favorite."

 **(Narrator downgrades from one of the greatest gaming systems of all time to Modern Warfare. You have brought shame upon your family! So I'm assuming the scares in this pasta are the ghosts of gaming past punishing you.)**

"A few months back I brashly sold my N64 and my SNES at a yard sale my family was holding. Avarice and arrogance were brought to me by my discovery of emulators"

 **(1. Woah, when did that Thesaurus Rex get in here?**

 **2\. What's with pastas and having bad things happen to people who download emulators? You'd think playing emulators was a hidden 8th deadly sin or something.)**

"I don't remember much about that yard sale, but the family whom I sold it to left a distinct memory in my mind."

 **(Shocker there, because we all know most yard sales in creepypastas are completely normal and unremarkable in every way.)**

"The family consisted of a small Hispanic woman with two very young children. She didn't know much English, and at the time I didn't know any Spanish. The language barrier complicated things, but it didn't hinder the sale entirely."

 **(Was there any particular reason for the Hispanic family not to speak English, then? What point did this even serve the story, besides to pad up the word count?)**

"She walked off with an SNES and an N64 with roughly 20 games in total, and I walked off with $40."

 **(Now, I'm no expert on pricing, but 40$ for two retro consoles and 20 games seems a bit cheap. Even if each game was only a dollar, that's still only 10$ for both consoles.)**

" The store was a nice little place called _Game Giant_. My brother knew the owner and employees well, as he had gotten a lot of his PS2 games from them before he moved in a place of his own. As fate would have it, the very woman I sold it to would sell my N64 to the shop. We got it for $50, which was pretty cheap."

 **(Yet you still lost those 20 games, the SNES and spent the 40$ you got from those plus 10$ to get the same N64 you sold back. Remember kids, never lower prices for single Hispanic mothers!**

 ***cue The More You Know rainbow*)**

"The budget wouldn't allow for any games, however, so we were under the impression we would walk out empty handed. After we explained our financial predicament to the owner, he told us this. They had a copy of Mario Kart 64 they were giving away for free. Oddly enough, he waited for all of the other customers to leave before he gave it to us."

 **(Why? If the game is so horrible, wouldn't you want to get rid of it as fast as possible?)**

"His hands were shaking and he started to stutter. He also let us know that we were more than entitled to a refund should we choose to take it back."

 **(A refund of** _ **what**_ **? You just said he was giving it away for free!)**

"Thinking nothing of the store owner's strange behavior, we went home ready for a night filled with revived memories. We arrived back home at about 4:00 P.M. Versus was our first order of business. I chose Toad, my personal favorite from childhood because of his unparalleled acceleration. My brother chose Luigi, his personal favorite because he's the fastest of all the medium weight characters."

 **("And because if he chose Toad, I would cry until he decided to settle on Luigi.")**

"The Game"

 **(Incase somewhere in that little tale of Joe Schmoe getting ripped off by a Hispanic lady and having to spend more money just to get the same N64 he sold back minus the NES and 20 games, you forgot this is still a creepypasta.**

 **Also, you already started the game! Why did the creepy stuff wait until you got to the Gran Prix races?)**

"All of the cups were completed on gold. Whoever played this game was pretty close to getting everything, as the only things left to complete were the reverse cups. It wasn't any fun to build on someone else's file, so we went to data to clear it. The lap times read all the same: Six minutes and sixty-six seconds. Not only was this really creepy, but also really illogical."

 **(What's with creepypastas and sticking 666 everywhere? Quality, guys, not quantity!)**

"How could someone get a perfect Grand Prix record with Time Trial times like that? My brother being the skeptic he was suggested it was someone trying to mess with us."

 **(Are we going to be constantly reminded that your bro is a SKEPTIC throughout this whole thing?)**

"Not being inclined to disagree, I cleared the data with the press of a button. That was undoubtedly the worst decision I have ever made in my life.

The game shut off by itself. Only static could be seen and heard for a good five minutes. Dominantly audible was the depressed, scared voice of Mario repeating a cryptic phrase. _You have driven us,_ he said in clear melancholia, _and now you must watch us suffer._ My brother thought that this was just something someone programmed into the cartridge. I had been playing the game for the entire time after dinner, and I refused to play it after what happened. My brother was visibly shaken, but he still wanted to prove to me nothing out of the ordinary was wrong with this game. So he played it with me watching the next morning."

 **(As someone who's played Mario Kart for years, I can say that the game shutting itself off and giving cryptic warnings of doom is definitely out of the ordinary. And I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure cartridges can't be programmed to interfere with the tv after the game is off.)**

"He switched on the game without incident. The start, menu, and player select screens were all normal."

 **("I started the game and everything was normal UNTIL IT SUDDENLY WASN'T!")**

"He chose the star cup and started the first race. All of the characters looked normal, except things were very wrong. The borders on the sides of the track didn't display their usual _Wario Stadium_. Instead, they read _YOU WILL PAY_. When the race started, Lakitu had a menacing smirk on his face."

 **(Is this supposed to be a big shock? Lakitu was always an asshole. In SM64 the guy watches you die without helping and just zooms the camera in on your final moments.**

 **To keep this rated T, I'll be recapping more violent scenes. So as the race starts, Lakitu basically tells them to go die, people slipping on bananas is SCARY and VIOLENT and then Luigi throws a red shell at Yoshi which causes EXPLOSION and BLOOD and LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR!)**

"My brother was now visibly perturbed, but he pressed on and finished the race."

 **(Because the amazing power of SKEPTICISM lets you believe everything is normal despite all the evidence to the contrary!)**

"Right when he passed the finish line, a distorted version of the victory theme played accompanied by a slow, distorted demonic laugh and several explosion sounds. As Luigi made his victory lap, all of the racers whose karts were smoking had died as their kart exploded. Charred 64-bit body parts littered the course as a plume of smoke hovered over the race track. In front of all of the racers' names, it said _R.I.P._ "

 **(Which I'm assuming now stands for Rest in Pieces.**

 **Next, I'm-a-Skeptic Bro tries to turn off the tv but it stays on and this happens...)**

"After this all was finished, he shut it off. The T.V stayed on as he flicked the switch, and Mario appeared on the screen. His kart was a mangled mess besides his sprawled body."

 **(R.I.P. Mario's kart**

 **2002 - Whatever-Year-This-Was-Made.**

 **Never forget...**

 **And after a paragraph of Mario BLOOD and GORE and SAD and PAIN...)**

"He softly wept as he gave a grave warning.

 _"You never should have cleared that data. His record has died. Now we will die too. You have driven him to this, so you must watch us suffer."_ "

 **(Wait, so if all this stuff started happening AFTER you clear the data, how did the other game owners have this happen to them?)**

"After all of that, these words appeared on the screen in the game's colorful, upbeat font.

 _YOU HAVE DRIVEN US. YOU HAVE DRIVEN HIM._ "

 **(And here we have the Arc Words, which will quickly get old as the pasta goes on.)**

"My brother refused to play through the game's torture any longer. He couldn't after seeing the game he had loved for so long being perverted into this. I agreed to play in his place, so in exchange he got a video camera to immortalize this madness."

 **(And of course we'll need some excuse later on for why there's no video of this since if the narrator had the editing know-how to make this look real they probably wouldn't be writing creepypasta.)**

"I had to scour courage to turn that system back on. Blood and gore by itself don't bother me. It was seeing all of the suffering, it was too much. But something inside me pushed the power button on the N64. I wish I hadn't, in the interest of my peace at mind and my sanity."

 **(Curiosity killed the creepypasta protagonist. Or at least scars them for life.)**

"The title screen showed the characters going down the hill. Donkey Kong was splitting Luigi's skull in half with a buzz saw, as opposed to hoisting up a green shell. The look on his face wasn't one of mischief either. It was one of pure bloodlust, of sick elation from being the orchestrator of such chaos and carnage."

 **(Amazing you could get all that from the expression of a 64 bit cartoon gorilla.)**

"Peach, Yoshi and Mario had looks of primal fear at the scene, obviously trying to drive away."

 **(Or you could, y'know, get the hell out of your go karts and run for the hills. Just saying.**

 **Then we're described the title screen which pretty much seems like a heavy metal album cover with STORMS and FIRE and HEARTBEAT and CRYING!)**

" The game catapulted me straight into the player select screen. The facial expressions of the characters had all drastically changed. All of the "good" characters – Mario, Luigi, Peach and Toad – had an expression of utter horror on their faces. Some shook their heads nervously while others remained completely still. Bowser, Donkey Kong, and Wario were unanimously showing bloodlust. Not a playfully menacing look, but one of pure greed and evil."

 **(What the hell are these assholes so excited for? I'm pretty sure they exploded with the rest of the non-winners last round, and unless they got some villain immunity we didn't hear about, they're just as likely to suffer some needlessly gory doom this round too, so there's no reason for them to be so damn cocky.)**

"I moved over to Toad and selected him. Instead of his happy trademark _WA-HOO!,_ he started to weep mournfully. I was starting a race on a more dejected than usual version of bowser's castle."

 **(Isn't Bowser's Castle dark enough as it is?)**

"The music was the same, except it was lower-pitched and much more ominous sounding."

 **(Of course not.)**

"It sounded so creepy it disturbed me."

 **(The race didn't even start yet, chill.)**

"The first thing I noticed is that Peach was missing from the starting lineup."

 **(No it's not, the first thing you noticed was the music, remember?)**

"Lakitu had an even more nefarious looking expression than he did earlier in the Wario Stadium race. The same disturbing introduction produced itself once again.

 _3, 2, 1, DIE!_ "

 **(3, 2, 1, EDGE!)**

"All of the cars sped past the bridge. A flame shooting statue of a demon stood in the place of where Bowser would normally be. Bowser, Wario, and Donkey Kong all veered off to take their place next to the statue. An audible conversation could be heard, the satanic figure speaking in tongues not uttered by mortal men."

 **(You're in the middle of a race, save your demonic gossip for later!)**

"All three of the villain characters appeared to be able to speak and understand this archaic language."

 **(Thus making the "not uttered by mortal men" line BS.)**

"Suddenly, a burst of flame shot out and killed Luigi. The three characters laughed in a sick tone, a tone that implied that they were loving the sight of such dismay."

 **(Congrats, you guys got yourselves left in last place just so you can dick around and kill a total of 1 racer with a fire statue. You have no one to blame but yourselves when your karts explode like last race. After describing Luigi's smoked up bod (Not in that way!) and repeating the arc words in case your forgot already, we see what happened to Peach.)**

"Peach's fate was soon dismally apparent. As Mario and I drifted the corner to evade the deathly torch of the demon's breath, I spotted her behind the bars of the Whomp cage. She was tied to him with thick rope."

 **(That's just not fair. She didn't even get a chance to race! So after the Whomp starts to jump rope and blood happens and we get YET ANOTHER repetition of the Arc Words (FYI, doing a creepy thing over and over again makes it less creepy, not more. This goes for any kind of horror, not just pasta!) Peach explodes somehow (If she's tied on the side/top of the Whomp, she should be find, but if she's tied onto the bottom she should've already been a Peachy Pancake by now.) and the race continues.)**

"Mario and my character, Toad, were the only ones alive at this point."

 **(Whatever happened to Yoshi?)**

"After what happened to Peach, my brother threw up in his mouth a little. I asked him if he had gotten everything on camera."

 **(Not like it'll matter.)**

"He did, so I un-paused the game and continued the race."

 **(Wait, when did you pause the game?)**

"I had managed to dodge the bursts of flame emitting from the demonic statue all three laps. At this point, it wasn't even about winning or losing. It was about keeping my character alive."

 **(But seeing as winning = living to suffer through another round and losing means your kart exploding, I'm pretty sure it IS about winning or losing.)**

"I didn't know what other dark forces this game possessed. Whatever was inside that game, making all this happen, wasn't going anywhere anytime soon"

 **(Exorcists would disagree.)**

"I didn't know what would happen to my character if I let him die and I didn't want to find out. This was no longer game. I felt as if someone's life was in the balance. Possibly mine."

 **(Well, nothing would happen because ol' Toad is a fictional character. And even if he was real somehow, why not just stop playing and put the racers out of their misery. The narrator acts as if winning the game will definitely totally give the characters some happy ending despite there being no reason to believe that.)**

"I finished first ahead of Mario, but a somber-sounding version of the losing theme played."

 **(Why? Narrator totally won that one! This game is rigged, stupid Bowser's stupid Castle!)**

"Again, it said _R.I.P._ in front of our names. Except it this time it was different. This time it said Richard, which was my actual name. The screen faded out to a Whomp laugh, which was scary in itself. I was then delivered to a sick version of a familiar environment."

 **(Does it even need pointing out at this point? Every course you've raced since the creeps started had been a sick version of a familiar environment.**

 **TL; DR - It was Rainbow Road but instead of rainbows it was BODY PARTS and CRAWLING IN MY SKIIIIN!)**

"Wario, Bowser, and Donkey Kong weren't present at this race."

 **(Probably because lost the last one.)**

"Mario and I were alone, waiting in grim anticipation for the race's dejected beginning."

 **(Seriously, where is Yoshi? Aside from an appearance in the title screen, I don't think we've seen that green asshole this entire pasta. I'm starting to think he's the mastermind behind all this. After having his brethren dropped into the abyss one too many times, Yoshi swore vengeance on the traitorous plumber. And what better way than to force him to watch the people he love, and Toad, die. Don't mess with Yoshi.**

 **Anyways, Mario must've knocked out his brain cells in that race because the idiot pulls this crap:)**

"Mario performed a special trick. If you hop right before the drop gets steep, your kart will fly above everyone else's and you'll have a slight advantage."

 **(hoe don't do it.)**

"When Mario hit the ground, his wheels flew off of his kart. His body landed on the track with a"

 **(MMM WHATCHA SAYYYY? ~)**

"as he cried out in pain."

 **(Well** _ **duh**_ **, you just jumped off the side of the track, the hell'd you think was gonna happen?)**

"The sky was filled with the stars as usual. The music that played was a sped up, backwards rendition of Royal Raceway's soundtrack. The neon signs were altered."

 **(I haven't played MK64 in years, but I'm pretty sure there's no neon signs. Are you talking about the constellations?)**

"Instead of the happy-looking depictions of the characters, they were in agony."

 **(Because even the dang stars need to be edged up!)**

"Each of them was suffering some sort of grotesque death. The three villainous characters just gave menacing looks, and they were all casting egregious death stares at my character."

 **("But I flashed those mofos the finger as a passed by. Haters gon' hate.")**

"They also had speech bubbles, saying things like"

 **("IF YOU AIN'T GOT NO MONEY, TAKE YA BROKE ASS HOME!" ~)**

"It was the final lap now. Lakitu laughed, and I could have sworn I heard something chuckle from my room. My brother did, and that was it for him. He told me to turn off the game or he was leaving."

 **(But he does no such thing so that line was stupid.)**

"I obviously couldn't do that. I had no idea what would happen to Toad, and if I quit right then I couldn't get past the guilt."

 **(1. You have no idea what'll happen to Toad, regardless of whether you quit or finish.**

 **2\. A crazy axe murderer could've broken into your house. It's time to put down the controller and get some self defense and/or call the police, not play Edge Kart Sixty-Edge.**

 **3\. Toad! Is! A! Fictional! Character!)**

"Now it was a matter of life and death."

 **(Yeah it it, possible death if you ignore the possible intruder in favor of video games and life if you use some damned common sense!)**

"The game conveyed the characters' range of emotions so accurately… much too accurately."

 **(Honestly, it sounds like the narrator is pretty nutter butters even without the game. Also, this is still N64 graphics we're talking about here?)**

"I felt like if I left Toad hanging, I would be condemning him to an eternal hell."

 **(Or you could be putting him out of his misery?)**

"I had to keep playing.

Mario was still lying there. He was barley alive, begging to be put out of his misery, but I refused to give that satisfaction to the game."

 **(I'm pretty sure if the game wants anything, it's to have the characters suffer.)**

"I completed the race, and just like the last time it said R.I.P Richard. My place now read 666 instead of 1st. I got really scared. How the hell did this game know I was playing …"

 **(WTF, we already been through this "teh gayme knows mi name" junk in the last race, why are you acting as if it's some new development?)**

"How could it speak to me … How did it know my name?"

 **(Same way it knew your name last time when the SAME EXACT THING HAPPENED!)**

"What I next saw will haunt me forever."

 **(And everything up until now was just dandy? Honestly, it's just another winded description of a gory rendition of a course. TL; DR - Royal Raceway but BLOOD and CREEPY FIGURES and BLACK SKY WITH LIGHTNING and LAVA EXPLODING and BLAH BLAH BLAH 3SPOOKY5ME)**

"Bowser was in 1st, Donkey Kong in 2nd, Wario in 3rd."

 **(The hell?! Why are these assholes winning?! They didn't win the first race, they were too busy chatting up a demon to win the second one, and they weren't even in Rainbow Road! This is total BS!)**

"They were all laughing as the fire-breathing demon from Bowser's castle stood behind them with a greedy smirk. The floating fish was above, a look of stark bloodlust cast across its eerie, shadowed face."

 **(Yup, even the fish who's only purpose is to hold the trophy and explode into confetti is edgy.**

 **We are told that the other character are here too, but all tied up and no eyeballs and whatever, just another gory description.)**

""You have driven us" they said as one."

 **(For roughly the eighth time this entire story!)**

 **"** Suddenly the "swelling noise" was made, as if the trophy were about to come out. Instead, it was much different."

 **(At this point it's pretty obvious what's going to happen. 99% of this pasta is "(insert thing in Mario Kart) is gory and evil now!" This creepypasta's title should be changed to "Mario Kart 64: Heavy Metal Edition. Then the fish kills everyone except Toad who delivers the Arc Words for the ninth time and game shuts off.)**

"I tried removing the cartridge, but it burned my hand. It was steaming on the surface, so I took a nearby sweater and threw it on my driveway."

 **(Why?)**

"While it was burning, we decided to see if the footage had been properly captured. The video had disappeared."

 **(Because of course it did.)**

"My brother said he stopped the recording within the limit, so it should have been there. All we found was a single picture. It was a portrait of Mario crying blood as he did in the game. It read _"You have driven us"_ on the bottom. As the outer plastic melted from the game's shell, the sound of screams came from my room. I ran in my room to see what was going on."

 **(Your fam's probs getting murdered because you decided playing video games was more important than dealing with a possible intruder.)**

"The door to my bathroom was open. Walking in, I was pushed to the point of tears.

My sink was filled with blood. Written on the mirror were these words:

 _It will never end. You have driven us._ "

 **(That makes it 10 and, ironically, the creepypasta ends. I hope y'all enjoyed this commentary thing. If you know any pastas you want me to commentary, feel free to review and tell me. There's no guarantee I'll do it, though. Again, this was mostly for my own amusement and won't be something I'll be devoting much time to.)**


End file.
